Posted by
Katy Grimes on Monday, April 13, 2009 2:26:37 PM
"GOOD JOB!" Everywhere I go today, I hear parents falsely praise their kids over the most mundane and expcted tasks and actions.
I have written extensively about the bogus self-esteem movement from the 1980's and what a load of garbage is is and was. The result of the false self-esteem is millions of kids who think that everything they do is spectacular. Everyone is a winner and deserves a blue ribbon and trophy - And only produced a generation of narcissistic, emotionally frail young adults.
(The column as well as the blog post, received a great deal of commentary: Competitive Parenting 1-A:
Competitive Parents all want their kids to be winners - all part of the Self Esteem movement. The "Me" Generation produces the most spoiled, self-centered kids who make lousy, whiny employees.
Today's young parents tell their children that everything they do is great. They "Good Job" them for everything - even the things that they tell the kids to do, or are expected. Washing hands before dinner, going to the bathroom, turning the television off, closing a door, getting in and out of the car... why do any of these deserve a "Good Job?"
The young children of these praising parents will throw tantrums if they don't get a "Good Job" for every little thing, that's why. The drama and bad behavior that is allowed today is deplorable. The parents should be embarrassed but instead think that everything their kids do is cute and deserving praise.
In The Minneapolis Star Tribune last week, a story addressed this very issue. "Are We Good-
JOBing Our Kids To Pieces?"
HERE One teacher correctly identifies this problem: "I try to avoid complimenting them all the time," he said. "If they get strokes for everything, they expect it, they think everything they do is great -- and they don't want to push themselves. I think they need to develop self-drive and the need to perform for personal satisfaction, not recognition from others."
Touche`.
Dr. Ernie Swihart, an author and behavioral pediatrician at South Lake Pediatrics in Minnetonka, decried the self-esteem movement from its inception. Then, s now, he believed kids should be taught to be inwardly focused, self-sufficient creatures able to shift their own gears.
"Real self-esteem -- for all of us -- comes from overcoming an obstacle-laden challenge, he believes, with hard work. Lavishing praise, he contends, is counterproductive and, if anything, makes kids needy and voracious for that other self-esteem-movement buzzword: validation.
"It's had serious repercussions," Swihart said. "These young adults who were raised in the '80s, now in their 20s and in the workplace -- those who received praise, rewards and prizes for everything they did without working very hard -- often are very entitled and self-absorbed.
"And in this economy, baseless self-satisfaction and entitlement are dangerous. Those are the people who are first to be let go."
Dr. Swihart is correct - not only are the chronically self-absorbed the first to be let go, they are also the first to quit when they receive criticism for their work or performance.
Overpraising kids will undoubtedly lead them right into therapy down the road. Often described as almost a nervous verbal tic, listening to parents repeat over and over, "good job, good job" is about as annoying as the stupid and un-cute things kids are attempting to get the false praise. Tripping and falling and them getting back up is not cute and not worthy of a "good job." Shreiking to get attention and then getting a "good job" when finally quiet is not a good idea. Answering a question is not worthy of a "good job," nor is eating a bite of food. God help us if any of these kids end up in the military.
What will these perpetually desperate kids do when they are not around adults who adore them? They cry, act out, throw tantrums and then tell their parents that other adults are mean to them.
Coddling whining and attention-desperate children only makes their behavior worse. Today's young parents are so afraid of their kids being "hurt" and that their feelings are somehow more fragile than theirs were, that they are creating emotionally dependent and frail children. And what they refuse to acknowledge, is that other adults do not care to be around these kids.
Coddling children who behave badly is them up to fail - it's just a matter of time. I just pray that the inevitable meltdowns are not in public.